The First To Walk Away

Even if you leave me, I will never let go
Because the uncertainty of finding another you has got me too exposed

I blame myself for losing my self grasp
Crossing the path where hurt left me last
Thought you were the exception, but my past made me react
Slowly walking away from you trying to bring you back

Is this the situation your friends coached you through just so they could see you crash
Were we on to something or are you stuck on your last, troubled by your past?

Trepidation has got us shifting positions
Arguing our anonymity in this perplexity of perspectives
This battle between us has got me feeling conflicted
We both feeling the same while having the same difference

Obscure and overwhelming, I wish that this could wait
Seize this very moment of a memory growing faint
Chancing the risk, the one we failed to take
But escaping this reality is a dream wide awake

Tell me this is right
Are you in my social script, the climax of my life

Untitled

I'm a 23 year old looking to explore
All of life's treasures that even money can't reward
Steady searching for feeling, love I'm never sure
Women stick around for the potential that I can secure
Keeping pace with a lifestyle that I can't afford

Browse the menu where the prices they don't display
Pick your favorite wine, drink it all I don't have to taste
Regretting the fact that I brought you to my place
To a city skyline, my daily great escape
And the reason you come back is for the pictures you failed to take

Are we on to something or is your interest really fake?
Because you neglect to ask the right questions except for our future dates

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Thought that chapter was over
Felt my feelings could move forward
And now you're haunting every girl that I happen to look over

Different name, different picture in the frame
Yet the memories, never fading, forever they remain

Stop the clock, pause this moment for a minute
And allow me to engage you in conversation of my transition
Believe me, I'm trying to get better
But how do you undo something that's never been together?

Recalculating Route

Finding myself...
Finding myself in this infinite expansion of time
Time compounded by the fear unknown
Unknown, unassuming, unable
Unable to determine the next move
Move with the confidence that oneday
Oneday I will find meaning in the pursuit
The pursuit of finding myself

These One of Them

Think I'm going through one of them, these days when you just don't know. More uncertainty than imagination could show. Wear a smile, but it's these once-in-awhile's that brings me down to common ground. High expectations sitting in the void of ambition. Dreams and hopes, susceptible to feelings of lows stuck in transition.

Never any feelings, no indication of the hurts in healing. That was me. Started sharing sights, looking for an answer to what an isolated mind couldn't might. Judgment. No explanation, the ones that never dared to stare. Who really cares? Emotions neither here nor there, better prepared.

Get me out of that box. You package me in the past. Am I the last? Out of stock. Inventory in the bad and replace any good that has elapsed. Fail to post your destination, and they can't track your shipment. Take flight.

Moving In

Monday, December 6, 2010 @ 4:30 PM marked my first TV debut. I was on MTV in an episode of "Moving In".

At this milestone in my "career", I am fortunate to be making progress considering the fact that I do not have agency or management representation. Some may say that I'm not trying hard enough or that I don't fit the mold, but I prefer to create a niche of my own rather than conform to the norm.

The show allows me to interject my personality behind the still images. It required a lot of improvisation and attention to detail. Hopefully, the right person notices enough to give me another fifteen minutes. Thanks to all the supporters who encourage me to keep on keeping on.

Humbling experience when people start to notice, and everything you worked for starts to suddenly come in focus.

Click Here To Watch Episode

Fall In Love. Get Hurt Trying.

Relationships are what you make them. They may develop from friendships, instintcs, and the ever popular late nights. These forces of human nature draw the parties to focus not on what the other can do for him/her but on the effort that each person is willing to put forward to satisfy the other.

Timing is everything. Don't ever let go of the person that makes you wonder. Where will this go? How do I know? Is he/she "right" for me? Are we at different points in our life? Are we going too fast? Where do you want this to go?

This level of complexity scares away the inexperienced, the brokenhearted, and even the rebounders. What ever happened to those days when we didn't proceed with caution? Children merely go to the park and play in the sandbox without any agenda or asking any preliminary questions. They simply play and interact, only sorting out their likes and dislikes as they go relying on what they know until they know better.

Personally speaking...

I should've known better
Than to chance emotion
In a relationship left together
Protracting the angle of friends
Is how the familiarity first began
When you first start to wonder
But fail to understand

Wish I could do it over, I mean
I wish that I could do it without her other
Because it was me who never told her
My expectancy was something over

It's better to have lost and loved
Than not to have loved at all
And try to remount
Even after you fall
Fearing the unknown
Until the memory is sewn

Surrounding my surroundings
Do the birds not fly
The leaves change with the seasons
The sun collides with the moon
And all for what reason

Searching for something more
Is there something else in store
Have I sat this one out
Or continue the search to settle the score

We share nothing in common
Other than the same blank slate
Where we started with our chalk
Sidewalking what we wanted to be
And when it didn't work out that way
Questioned our ultimate destiny

My Reality

What once was obscure has become an iridescent element in my existence. I have fell victim to the criticisms and shortcomings of a judgmental marketplace shopping for the cure of stability while fearing the checkout of tomorrow. I was only trying to get ahead. But when reality fails to add up, discount the time, effort, and energy that was there and didn't follow.

I spent a great deal of time this summer gravitating toward my center of self. Uncertainty set in and for the first time I began to doubt. Success is relative and not a discretionary asset of others. I questioned my global positioning because I was not at the best school, employed at the best firm, or getting the best grades. Disappointment indeed; however, for all of the wrong reasons. The standard I set for myself should not be a direct reflection of what is acceptable to those on the outside.

Internship

Viceroy Partners, LLC is a registered investment advisor where I will be holding my internship. Here, I plan on learning about the industry and using my legal education to satisfy my investment.

I am following through on a promise I made a little over a month ago, that everything I do is in accordance with a long-term goal. The position allows me to explore the definition of "invest". Far too often, I would hear the verb associated with procuring and maintaining wealth. I now have a first-hand opportunity to delve into financial services because one person took the chance to invest in me.

Summer 2007 found me in a similar position. Sitting behind a desk, early mornings, long commutes, I was miserable. I vowed never to return to the corporate lifestyle, where the only favorable aspect was the outfit. Some may call it settling but what is one to do when life hits?

Just A Thought

If I had no adversity, would you believe my story
Because it if all seemed easy, you could say you'd never know me
To see progression from the bottom to somewhere off the ground
Aspiring to achieve something undefined but so profound...

Employment Termination

For the past eight months, I have been employed at Houston's. Granted, it was not what I went to school for; however, it allowed me to simultaneously pursue my dreams while offering the flexibility to earn an income.

Today, they pulled the plug on me. I became enslaved to the mechanic food-service industry. Void of any room for personality, I was limited to scripted conversation. Any deviation that resulted in personal conversation was frowned upon and risky. I let myself get in the way. The corporate infrastructure has "standards" and fails to account for the human effect of performing a particular task. The reality is that Houston's took me away from my family, friends, and goals, becoming my sole objective.

I made a commitment to never put myself in a situation that compromises who I am. It was as if I would go to work and leave Edwyn at the door because the law student and aspiring actor/model did not "fit the description". I began to prioritize and ask myself the following questions:

• What is most important to you?
• What do you want to be?
• How will you go about it?

Sure, anything that is involuntarily removed takes time to adjust. I realized that the majority of people do not genuinely care if you are not within their scope. As per the general counsel of the company, "Houston's does not value its employees, including you." Family. At the end of the day, it's a business because what is success when your number one fan is missing?

Family First

Role Model. The cliche that "the rich get richer, while the poor get poorer" does have some significance. For the absence of a role model in the lives of many children today affects their view of success. Much more opportunities are available to those that have the resources to make their respective situations better, while youths in underprivileged contexts are unable to grasp beyond their reach.

A major part of growing up is spent dreaming. During my childhood, I would dream of a place where I could be whatever I wanted to be as long as I set my mind to it. This statement in and of itself is vague because without a source of guidance or a real figure to create that sense of reality, your eyes never open up to the world. These elusive obstacles are what prevent people from taking action and cause them to otherwise settle.

I am the first in my family to attend law school. Listening and meeting Barack Obama about one year ago woke me up from my dream. I knew what I wanted my contribution to the world to be; however, I did not know how I was going to tangibly go about that. In the sense of the above analogy, I was poor. I would have settled for a position that would have prevented me from positively affecting the lives of others because I was doing only what I knew since I did not know better.

In order to levy this agenda, I must begin by being a leader within my family. I am a son, brother, nephew, cousin, and Godson. Before I can impact a much greater stage, I must begin with my family first.

Not To Be Confused With

Heal South Africa is an initiative that I have taken part of in order to increase awareness of the injustices to women abroad. Simultaneously, the effort has restructured the goals and objectives of my career.

I have been labeled as a model, defined as one who represents or employed to display merchandise. Few are aware of the work-for-hire effects that this places on the individual. A meeting yesterday at the Chrysler Building allowed me to explore the interchangeable characteristics that models share. The reality is that looks are interchangeable and your look is at the discretion of another individual whom we surrender "power" to. Power is exemplified when attending a casting/audition and the "director" on the other side of the desk takes a look at your pictures while making gestures, often times not in your favor, only to say "thank you". Then, the effect of rejection takes over and the resiliant ones muster up energy and throw their efforts at the next casting, while others dwell with frustration and seek to improve some "flaw" that someone else identifies; yet the power vests with them.

The point conveyed was that branding, an element borrowed from the field of marketing, establishes either a person or an object as the lucrative entity that in turn attracts capital. Take Lady Gaga for example, the result of strategic planning to create a modern-day Madonna. Her talent is unquestionable but more are attracted to the figure that dresses distinctly different from the norm, a brand.

I am not a model, but a person equipped with a legal education who everyday strives to leave an impact on the world surrounding me for others to take example from.

On Another Note

Below is an e-mail that I received a week ago that continues to add new meaning each time I read it. For those that feel misplaced and often times find themselves headed towards an unintended direction, the following offers a bit more clarity.

Derek Jeter is the famous shortstop of the New York Yankees.
Imagine if tomorrow they told him he had to become a pitcher, he most likely would be average or worse,
right?

Stephen Spielberg is one of the world's greatest film directors. Imagine if tomorrow they told him he had to make his living as a chef, most likely he'd be average or worse,
right?

Warren Buffett is the world's greatest investor.
Imagine if tomorrow they told him he'd have to make his living as a golfer, most likely he'd be average or worse,
right?

Remember this:
We were all born for a certain ASSIGNMENT.
A 'position' in life that our unique talents and skills can serve the greatest amount of people and reap us incredible prosperity.

The closer we are to the POSITION, the place where success is practically guaranteed, the greater our likelihood of massive success.

But, no, no, no.
I say, 'Hold on Gem.'
Why do most people never aim to locate their ASSIGNMENT, the PLACE that their success can come naturally and in great abundance?

Here's my answer.
INVESTMENT
'Gem, what do you mean?"

Let me explain.
Most people don't INVEST the time necessary to locate their position they were born for.

Most people don't INVEST enough in themselves to cultivate their natural strengths.

Most people dont INVEST enough in discovering how to create an opportunity based on their talent, skill and ability.

Imagine this.
You're 91 years old. You're sitting on the front porch of your home.

You start thinking about so many of the great things in your life, but then a regret finds its way into your mind. You get sad because you never turned something you enjoyed into an empire of success. You rock back on your chair and you sigh. A tear could form, if you let it.

You never jumped on the bus called 'Next Level Express'.

You were born with a gift, wrapped and all. A unique gift.
Now it's your job to find it, build it, share it, or you can enjoy the regrets on your front porch.

That decision is yours, not mine. Will you sit on the bench or step up to the plate and hit one out of the park?
(Batter up)

Spike Lee told me the saddest thing in life is to have great talent and never use that talent, living a life that never allowed you to reach your dreams when everything you needed was inside you the whole journey.

Unlearning Stereotypes

As part of moral obligation to give back to a community that I believe has raised me and further has the potential to affect the majority and their respective outlook, I volunteer under the guidance of the New York Civil Rights Coalition in an endeavor called 'Unlearning Stereotypes'. Weekly at the New York High School of Economics & Finance, I probe the minds of young adults and their varied perspectives on the role that stereotypes play in their numerous relationships.

Throughout this endeavor, I have chanced the recurrence of a common theme - "perception is reality". Our society is inclined to reinforce the cliche 'don't judge a book by its cover'; however, such a threat exists almost in every situation because it is this initial representation that holds the all end all for future applications. Examples that society offers us were presented before the students:

• Chris Brown v. Rihanna (Despite prior acclaim, are we in a position to judge character?)
• appearance v. intellect (Is presentation everything or a sub. factor ie: in an interview?)
• interracial marriages (2010 relevant?)
• affirmative action (Are AA still at a disadvantage v. do AA require 'imposed' advantages?)
• President Obama (Is fact of "first black president" relevant?)

Issues of such are not at the forefront of our minds; however, they subconsciously affect decisions, actions and reactions. Highlighting and eliminating these unwarranted biases is a fundamental goal of the program; however, there is no right answer behind the discussion but to rather incite just that. Granted the days of civil unrest no longer exists; however, is there a subtle protest that ensues within one's mind?

Where I Was

I'm not sure I want to do this anymore. Grades this past semester - mediocre. I witness others doing what they've longed to do but choose to pursue the safe route hoping that happiness with parse its way through. Sure, the answer to my troubles is apparent but forever paradoxial as I plow through my first year of legal education.

"Do what you have to do so that you can do what you want to do". Easier said than done because as time passes, I'm losing just that. How do you put a punctuation where life has a runon sentence? I want to sing, act, model, entertain but what stands in the way of those four objectives is the goal of one. Selfish as that may be, its the most lucrative investment as well payoff - so they say.

They? Why try to satisfy someone else only to be the only one to deal? The answers aren't immediate for as long as I began, I must continue and complete. I thought I was going in towards happiness but happiness is where I was.

FINALS - Finally Over

Anxiety, stress, doubt, overwhelmed, indecisiveness - all emotions that have plagued me throughout my first ordeal. Its analogous to walking into a haunted house. You know that something is coming and you are the intended target; however, you enter it unbeknownst to you what direction it is coming from or what exactly it is. No amount of preparation is ever enough and once you're through - you're through.

Not only did I wake up late for the last final, I ran out of time on each one, initially thinking that four hours would be plenty. For those that flood the common areas with questions "What did you put for...", you can find me leaving the nearest exit and on to the next one. The intensity level is unparalleled to anything that I have ever experienced in terms of the mutual ambiguity in the material. Others found refuge at the local bar; however, my safe haven is my bed for I now have to catch up on a month's worth of sleep.

Looking back on the semester, I reemphasize a quote that legal professors repeat on a consistent basis, "You don't know what you don't know". There is no concrete answer or scientific method to thinking about issues or how to effectively put them on paper. Nor are you consciously aware of the amount of material that is thrown at you in four short months. This is reconciled in grabbing hold of what you know, don't know, and don't think you know and making sense of it from at least two equal and opposite angles based on a set of facts. In retrospect, I found very useful to question everything even if it appeared sound on the surface.

Granted, I did not travel the legal route according to the guidelines set forth. I worked part-time, pursued modeling and acting, endured an exasperating commute, and volunteered weekly as a mentor at a NYC high school all the while striving to be the best in everything I set out to do. Sure it sounds good, but realistic - we'll see.

Impacted areas that I have felt are personal relationships. It has been difficult to maintain and follow through with friendships and family. I nestled in a niche where my textbook became my one and only. Feeling failure in my foresight, I found freedom a felony. Many took this as intentional separation on my end and felt it personally. For this I apologize. You now have my undivided.

DMAC

I deviated from the norm and attended South Florida @ Rutgers football game. Bearing the inclement weather, I found myself witnessing greatness. Devin McCourty #21 provided me with a first class seat defining "special" in special teams.




To see my bro pursuing his dream and to be able to be there to lend my support merely by my presence truly makes me proud. The outcome whether positive or negative is irrelevant to the impact that it has on a friendship. Stay tuned.

The Pad

"Mr. Macelus, here are the keys to your new apartment." I have longed to hear these words spoken by a leasing agent. Although void of furniture and what others may consider to be the bare necessities, I have surrounded myself with white walls that encapsulate a young black man with a colorful career.

Every morning I will wake up in a 1 bedroom with a view of New York City - a playground that I will tackle in order to be the first one picked. I grew up a little more today. No roommates, no distractions, no interference, no excuses. The feeling is bitter sweet with finals looming in the background and the thought of not scoring at a level worthy of any merit makes everything else worthless and supports the laundry list of reasons why I fell short of a measurable objective. That feeling - failure - the distance and the proximity are uninvited guests.

The Pad welcomes all positive energy.

Where I Am

It is obvious from my absence that October was a shaky month. I done evaluated and revaluated myself in almost every aspect from my short term goal to my long term goals together with how they have been altered, reduced, or broadened from last year to present.

I simply want to "grow up". Remove myself of all outer dependancy and provide for myself is the basis behind the vague expression. No more do I want to have a last resort but be the all end all when it comes to responsibility. True, everything happens for a reason. The past year was my first encounter with the "real world". In the midst of trying to realize my wants and ambitions, I could not get over the fact that there was a "rescue center" that I would return to in the event that some unforseen circumstance were to occur. Having setup the scenario, I've since taken action through the following:

1) Signed a lease on my own apartment
2) Eliminated frivilous debt
3) Budget my finances

Essentially, I want to depend on the only person I can control -ME! Not to promote a selfish or individualist mindset, but at the end of the day I go to sleep and wake up with me and my sense of accomplishment.

My Sunshine (cont'd)

Today I will be performing in a talent show held at my school. I will expose my spoken word to the public. It is only suitable that I chose a subject that is closest to me:

Woke up on this cloudy day to see my sunshine
That night light of mine who under no circumstances
I could ever let her see a streak fall from my eyes.
Because you made me strong - you brightened up my day
when my skies were gray, I changed face without delay and wiped those tears away.

As you now lay in pain, restless but motionless, I wish
That the seasons could just reverse and we could rehearse
That very step and very move when your balance gave way.
"Hold my hand, watch your step," I would say
But you were so strong, felt like you could do no wrong.

I now play the game, Who's To Blame?
In search of the fame, I left you to brave the rain
But I can't seem to explain why I can't go out on my cloudy day
To see my sunshine rise up
And its because…she can’t.

Woke up on this cloudy day to see my sunshine
And for the first time, absent was the warmth of your smile
And reaching that unforeseeable goal is no longer worthwhile.
But, for, while the guilt and the pain just piles, piles, and piles
Here I stand, at your hospital bedside

I speak – beep, beep, beep
The tone of this music making me think
How close you were to that fateful brink
Because no matter how much I held my breath for us to stay afloat
I’m out of air

How can I go out in the darkness when you are my lamp
No matter what they tell me, I refuse to accept that this is only temp
-orary because on the contrary the inquiry still remains whether I can stand these skies of gray
I don’t want to have to get used to seeing her like this
And its because…I can’t

Woke up on this cloudy day to see my sunshine
There was something different about today
Thought I heard your voice so I went to your room
There you were; sat down next to you to hold your hand and say

Isn’t she lovely, isn’t she wonderful
Isn’t she precious, less than one minute old
I can't believe what God has done Through us he's given life to one
But isn’t she lovely, MY SUNSHINE