Anxiety, stress, doubt, overwhelmed, indecisiveness - all emotions that have plagued me throughout my first ordeal. Its analogous to walking into a haunted house. You know that something is coming and you are the intended target; however, you enter it unbeknownst to you what direction it is coming from or what exactly it is. No amount of preparation is ever enough and once you're through - you're through.
Not only did I wake up late for the last final, I ran out of time on each one, initially thinking that four hours would be plenty. For those that flood the common areas with questions "What did you put for...", you can find me leaving the nearest exit and on to the next one. The intensity level is unparalleled to anything that I have ever experienced in terms of the mutual ambiguity in the material. Others found refuge at the local bar; however, my safe haven is my bed for I now have to catch up on a month's worth of sleep.
Looking back on the semester, I reemphasize a quote that legal professors repeat on a consistent basis, "You don't know what you don't know". There is no concrete answer or scientific method to thinking about issues or how to effectively put them on paper. Nor are you consciously aware of the amount of material that is thrown at you in four short months. This is reconciled in grabbing hold of what you know, don't know, and don't think you know and making sense of it from at least two equal and opposite angles based on a set of facts. In retrospect, I found very useful to question everything even if it appeared sound on the surface.
Granted, I did not travel the legal route according to the guidelines set forth. I worked part-time, pursued modeling and acting, endured an exasperating commute, and volunteered weekly as a mentor at a NYC high school all the while striving to be the best in everything I set out to do. Sure it sounds good, but realistic - we'll see.
Impacted areas that I have felt are personal relationships. It has been difficult to maintain and follow through with friendships and family. I nestled in a niche where my textbook became my one and only. Feeling failure in my foresight, I found freedom a felony. Many took this as intentional separation on my end and felt it personally. For this I apologize. You now have my undivided.