FINALS - Finally Over

12:31 PM

Anxiety, stress, doubt, overwhelmed, indecisiveness - all emotions that have plagued me throughout my first ordeal. Its analogous to walking into a haunted house. You know that something is coming and you are the intended target; however, you enter it unbeknownst to you what direction it is coming from or what exactly it is. No amount of preparation is ever enough and once you're through - you're through.

Not only did I wake up late for the last final, I ran out of time on each one, initially thinking that four hours would be plenty. For those that flood the common areas with questions "What did you put for...", you can find me leaving the nearest exit and on to the next one. The intensity level is unparalleled to anything that I have ever experienced in terms of the mutual ambiguity in the material. Others found refuge at the local bar; however, my safe haven is my bed for I now have to catch up on a month's worth of sleep.

Looking back on the semester, I reemphasize a quote that legal professors repeat on a consistent basis, "You don't know what you don't know". There is no concrete answer or scientific method to thinking about issues or how to effectively put them on paper. Nor are you consciously aware of the amount of material that is thrown at you in four short months. This is reconciled in grabbing hold of what you know, don't know, and don't think you know and making sense of it from at least two equal and opposite angles based on a set of facts. In retrospect, I found very useful to question everything even if it appeared sound on the surface.

Granted, I did not travel the legal route according to the guidelines set forth. I worked part-time, pursued modeling and acting, endured an exasperating commute, and volunteered weekly as a mentor at a NYC high school all the while striving to be the best in everything I set out to do. Sure it sounds good, but realistic - we'll see.

Impacted areas that I have felt are personal relationships. It has been difficult to maintain and follow through with friendships and family. I nestled in a niche where my textbook became my one and only. Feeling failure in my foresight, I found freedom a felony. Many took this as intentional separation on my end and felt it personally. For this I apologize. You now have my undivided.


11:04 PM

I deviated from the norm and attended South Florida @ Rutgers football game. Bearing the inclement weather, I found myself witnessing greatness. Devin McCourty #21 provided me with a first class seat defining "special" in special teams.

To see my bro pursuing his dream and to be able to be there to lend my support merely by my presence truly makes me proud. The outcome whether positive or negative is irrelevant to the impact that it has on a friendship. Stay tuned.

The Pad

11:31 AM

"Mr. Macelus, here are the keys to your new apartment." I have longed to hear these words spoken by a leasing agent. Although void of furniture and what others may consider to be the bare necessities, I have surrounded myself with white walls that encapsulate a young black man with a colorful career.

Every morning I will wake up in a 1 bedroom with a view of New York City - a playground that I will tackle in order to be the first one picked. I grew up a little more today. No roommates, no distractions, no interference, no excuses. The feeling is bitter sweet with finals looming in the background and the thought of not scoring at a level worthy of any merit makes everything else worthless and supports the laundry list of reasons why I fell short of a measurable objective. That feeling - failure - the distance and the proximity are uninvited guests.

The Pad welcomes all positive energy.

Where I Am

10:54 AM

It is obvious from my absence that October was a shaky month. I done evaluated and revaluated myself in almost every aspect from my short term goal to my long term goals together with how they have been altered, reduced, or broadened from last year to present.

I simply want to "grow up". Remove myself of all outer dependancy and provide for myself is the basis behind the vague expression. No more do I want to have a last resort but be the all end all when it comes to responsibility. True, everything happens for a reason. The past year was my first encounter with the "real world". In the midst of trying to realize my wants and ambitions, I could not get over the fact that there was a "rescue center" that I would return to in the event that some unforseen circumstance were to occur. Having setup the scenario, I've since taken action through the following:

1) Signed a lease on my own apartment
2) Eliminated frivilous debt
3) Budget my finances

Essentially, I want to depend on the only person I can control -ME! Not to promote a selfish or individualist mindset, but at the end of the day I go to sleep and wake up with me and my sense of accomplishment.

My Sunshine (cont'd)

11:41 AM

Today I will be performing in a talent show held at my school. I will expose my spoken word to the public. It is only suitable that I chose a subject that is closest to me:

Woke up on this cloudy day to see my sunshine
That night light of mine who under no circumstances
I could ever let her see a streak fall from my eyes.
Because you made me strong - you brightened up my day
when my skies were gray, I changed face without delay and wiped those tears away.

As you now lay in pain, restless but motionless, I wish
That the seasons could just reverse and we could rehearse
That very step and very move when your balance gave way.
"Hold my hand, watch your step," I would say
But you were so strong, felt like you could do no wrong.

I now play the game, Who's To Blame?
In search of the fame, I left you to brave the rain
But I can't seem to explain why I can't go out on my cloudy day
To see my sunshine rise up
And its because…she can’t.

Woke up on this cloudy day to see my sunshine
And for the first time, absent was the warmth of your smile
And reaching that unforeseeable goal is no longer worthwhile.
But, for, while the guilt and the pain just piles, piles, and piles
Here I stand, at your hospital bedside

I speak – beep, beep, beep
The tone of this music making me think
How close you were to that fateful brink
Because no matter how much I held my breath for us to stay afloat
I’m out of air

How can I go out in the darkness when you are my lamp
No matter what they tell me, I refuse to accept that this is only temp
-orary because on the contrary the inquiry still remains whether I can stand these skies of gray
I don’t want to have to get used to seeing her like this
And its because…I can’t

Woke up on this cloudy day to see my sunshine
There was something different about today
Thought I heard your voice so I went to your room
There you were; sat down next to you to hold your hand and say

Isn’t she lovely, isn’t she wonderful
Isn’t she precious, less than one minute old
I can't believe what God has done Through us he's given life to one
But isn’t she lovely, MY SUNSHINE

Who We Are

11:11 PM

Today, I witnessed the result of hard work and dedication first-hand. Tennessee Titans #30 made his debut in the Tri-State vs. the New York Jets. He is the first in the "Mac" line to hit the big stage and God has definitely blessed us.

Friendships go a long way. They supersede time, distance, and, today, RAIN. Since high school, my circle has remained pretty consistent, and the label of friend has been delicately applied. I can't say enough how much it means to have 'bros' that make an effort to see what you are up to, what you are not up to, and why you are not up to what you should be up to. Sure, we had our fallout but that test failed and the camaraderie has been strong ever since. I'm proud of these jokas and likewise I'm going to make them proud. Where it all started:

My Sunshine

11:39 AM

Woke up on this cloudy day to see my sunshine,
that night light of mine who under no circumstances
I could never let her see that streak fall from my eyes.
Because you made me strong - you brightened up my day
when my skies were gray, I changed face without delay and wiped those tears away.

As you lay in pain, restless but motionless, I wish
that the seasons could just reverse and we could rehearse
that very step, that very move when your balance gave way.
"Hold my hand, watch your step," I would say
but you were so strong, felt like you could do no wrong.

I now play the game, Who's To Blame?
In search of the fame, I left you to brave the rain
But I can't seem to explain why I can't go out on my cloudy day to see my sunshine riseup
And its because she can't.

....To Be Continued

Friendly Farewell

2:30 AM

In observance of the many recommendations put forward by those who were once in my place, I've cut ties with the outside. My social life will cease to exist effective today. It is Saturday night and I've taken the responsibility to stay home and study; however, that is definately not the case.

Never have I explored the internet so much in one week as I did this evening. From YouTube to Facebook and now to my blog, I have not turned a single page. It's difficult to focus on the material when it all comes down to ONE EXAM - THE FINAL EXAM. As long as I participate in class and answer the question, or at least have an answer, I'm all set right? - WRONG!

The very thought of being 'mediocre' is frightening to me in an arena where distinguishing yourself is the only means for survival. Fear is my motivation, at least for now while the dropout statistics are still applicable. So I must part from the Thursday night, Friday night, and Saturday night festivities and seek a text book to compromise the void. My first video is included below in remembrance.

On that note, if I hit the note, text messages and phone calls are still a remedy for the burden that I've assumed. The way I see it, I'm putting my best foot forward so that the words "couldda, wouldda, shouldda" are not part of my vocabulary.

First Legal Day - Week

4:41 AM

I'm a week into my legal career and already I'm overwhelmed. Despite the adverse opinions of my peers and mentors, I decided to attend New York Law School. Although it is not the school of my choice, waiting another year and watching everyone else do what I want to do is certainly not an option. Yes, I did put myself at a severe disadvantage but I will work that much harder to make sure I am at top 10 institution come Fall 2010.

A sidenote worth mentioning is that I will make this blog a priority despite the other influences in my life. I apologize in advance to the potential followers who just don't know the existence of this yet.

Day 1 was DRAMA! Do I drive or take public transportation? Something about growing up in the suburbs and having the convenience of my car persuaded my decision for the former, until they slapped me with that $65 parking ticket!

Classes officially began Friday after four days of 'what you should know, do, don't do, otherwise known as Orientation, and taking a look around the campus, I realized that even in such an atmosphere I must distinguish myself. That is when I took the occasion in my Torts class to introduce my motive for attending law school, simply to be 'a role model'. Perhaps I insulted everyone in the class, not to mention the profession, but I refuse to change who I am in the process.

I never took into account how much of a commitment I assumed in terms of moral obligation, self-respect, and DEBT. Something's gotta give. Immediately following orientation, I shot with Judy Anderson modeling T-shirts for an upcoming clothing line. (Pictures to be posted soon).

Other people want this just as much as I do, but where they will work hard - I will be working smart.

And Then...

3:45 AM

I thought I reached a huge milestone by creating my first blog, 'and then' I realized that I would need to update it in order for this to work - not just for me but for those that choose to view my controlled chaos.

Tuesday, I attended the Sex and the City Casting Call with, what seemed like, the entire city. Security definately tried to stop the line right in front of me and expected me not to jump in ahead. All I wanted was a shot and I made sure I got it along with everyone else's name that will be filed away in a database.

Today I was graced with the photography of Tarrice Love ( I admire people that take a moral responsibility with the work that they produce - borderline perfectionist if you will. I learned alot in terms of post production, posing, lighting, and styling, because likewise I want to perfect my craft. Pictures will be up soon and any feedback is greatly appreciated. Thank you in advance.

11:40 PM

No need for an introduction (Reference Profile). So without further ado, today consisted of my third photoshoot since the much anticipated 'hair cut'. Jacob Pressley( performed as camera man and delivered - snapshots coming soon. Most importantly, I learned to be more proactive towards my career of careers. Result - the blog, but I want to refer to this as my scrapbook; a place where brainstorming takes place and also ideas become actions.

My agenda is quite simple because there isn't one. I just act and react hoping that I'll come into contact with someone that doesn't feed be bullsh*t but offers just the facts. Not to mention, I also have a poetic license that is still in permit status awaiting a responsible driver to guide me to my next destination. My dad celebrated his 2009 - 1951st birthday today. He is the perfect example of what I do not strive to be because he pushes me to be better.

This is a step outside of my comfort zone, moreso a leap. I tend to conceal any information or hopes of good news until it happens; however, I need to track my progress. I definately received an offer today and the inpatience in my patience wanted to take advantage but nothing comes without a price - that I can't afford. In due time.